Bookworm Book Review: The Sociopath Next Door

Hello, again! 

Today's book of topic is called The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout, Ph.D. A few months back, my sister mentioned that she was reading this book, which she borrowed from my dad. As she told me about it, I got so interested in the topic that I just had to read it when she was done. 

First off, Martha Stout is a psychologist, but don't let that scare you away from reading her book. She writes in a very friendly and easy-to-understand way that helps anyone grasps psychological concepts. While this book is a little more technical in the fact that it's non-fiction and discusses theories, etc., it is still a fairly easy read. The only reason it took me so long to read is because I've been reading two other books at the same time (and I really wanted to take my time with this one to make sure I fully soaked in all the information).

The Sociopath Next Door is a book about, well, sociopaths. Its main topic refers to the chilling fact that one in every 25 Americans is a sociopath. That statistic doesn't mean much, however, if you don't understand what a sociopath is and how to avoid or deal with them, which is what Dr. Stout talks about.

I think most of us understand the general concept of a sociopath. To be honest, I can't quite define what I thought a sociopath was before I read this book because now the only definition I can think of is how Dr. Stout describes a sociopath: someone who has no conscious.

Not only do sociopaths have no conscious, but because they have no conscious, they can do literally anything and everything they want with no sense of guilt or shame or remorse.

That's a scary thought.

But can someone really be without a conscious? I mean, we're all given the ability to know right from wrong, right? If so, how does one come to be without conscious? God wouldn't knowingly create evil in the world by sending some people to Earth without a conscious. So, is having no conscious really real, and if so, how does that happen?

Those are the exact questions Dr. Stout addresses in her book, and she definitely gets the thoughts churning. Yes, it is possible and real that someone can in reality be without a conscious. I know that seems unfathomable -- trust me, I still have a hard time believing that. But that's part of what it means to have a conscious; it's hard to imagine someone without it. (I guess that means I do have a conscious, which is good).

To help us understand where sociopathy comes from, Dr. Stout reviews several theories that psychologists and scientists have tested over the years. The results: up to 50% of what causes sociopathy is genetics. The other 50% of unknown. Some say it could be from culture or lack of, specific home rearing environments, lack of physical touch as an infant... but all of these show that individuals from these situations do not function the same as a sociopath, which means that even though they may seem cold to 'normal' people, they still aren't sociopaths. So, in short, the real reason of where sociopathy comes from is basically unknown.

But that doesn't mean we can't spot a sociopath when we seen one or know how to protect ourselves against them. Throughout the book, Dr. Stout gives several examples of sociopaths, and it's really interesting to see how most of them are integrated into our society as seemingly normal people. It's because sociopaths are excellent actors. They can pretend to care to the point where people care about them, which then makes it easier for the sociopath to manipulate others. It's scary thinking that people use our emotions and sympathy towards others as a way to manipulate and get what they want.

And the scariest part: when we start to wonder if something is off, they (the sociopaths) make us feel like we sound crazy. So, we dismiss the thoughts and keep quiet. It's called getting gaslighted. And that's how sociopaths stay in control. It's all a game to them: how much power, how much dominance, how much control can they have before we figure it out (before we're not smart enough to figure it out, and they've got so much control over us that if we did, they'd just manipulate us into keeping our mouths shut ... or so they think).

This is all pretty intimidating and scary stuff -- thinking about how some could manipulate your life in such a way. But Dr. Stout is determined to show sociopaths are like so you can recognize them and cut all ties with any you find in your life. By removing yourself from them, you can avoid a lot of heartache, embarrassment, financial loss, and more.

Authority

Something I thought was really interesting is the idea of authority. If you think about an authority figure in your life, how likely are you to do what they say simply because you respect them and see them as an authority figure?

Dr. Stout gives the example of the experiment where students were brought into a room and told that the person in the other room had to repeat a list of words without messing up. Should they skip or forget a word, the student would give them a little shock, which would get a little stronger every time. The idea was to test just how far someone would go when being told what to do by an authority figure. Here's what they found:

• When the scientist who led the experiment was in the room, in a lab coat, etc. and told the person how high to make the voltage and when to give the shock, they did it the majority of the time.
• When the scientist was not in a coat and was dressed more casually, people were more likely to stop earlier when they felt it was too far.
• More educated participants stopped sooner because they felt they were on the same intellectual level as the scientist and thus didn't have to take his orders.

The results of this experiment are incredibly terrifying. It shows just how willing we are to go when someone we consider to be an authority figure tells us what to do. Why? According to Dr. Stout, it's because we each have a conscious and assume all authority figures do, too, which means they won't really lead us to do something that's wrong...right?

"When someone is in a role (principal, parent, priest, etc.), we assign to the individual the integrity of their role... [this] makes it easy for sociopaths to manipulate." Because we automatically assume that anyone in an authority role has the intended and assigned integrity, it's super easy for sociopaths to slip under the radar. As mentioned before, sociopaths are excellent actors, so they can pretend that what they do is all with good intentions and for good causes, and we believe them because of the role they have.

Another important part of this is being able to identify the difference between fear and respect. Typically, when someone is in a position of authority, we assume they deserve our respect because we also assume that they have the intended integrity of their role. However, if we find that our 'respect' for someone is more out of fear of what they do or may do, then that's not right.

So, if we notice something is off and an authority figure is doing something wrong, or if our respect for an authority figure is actually fear, what do we do? Dr. Stout says to stand up for what you know is right. Point out that what the authority figure is doing is wrong. Once one person stands up against the flow of things, more people are likely to stop and think about what's actually happening, and revolt against the sociopath and their game.

Characteristics of a sociopath

1. They love pity. Something that was really interesting to me was when Dr. Stout mentioned that she talked with a sociopath after he had been found out. She asked him what was most important to him, what he wanted most out of life. Without hesitation, he said, "Pity." Sociopaths play off of pity to get what they want. They are very charming and seductive, which gets us to like them in the first place. Then, they can use that emotional attachment we've made with them to make us feel pity towards them. As a result, we are more willing to let them, a pitiful person, get away with murder, so to speak.
2. They cannot love. Dr. Stout defines conscious as something that is "deeply and affectingly anchored in our ability to care about one another." "Conscious, and uniquely conscious, can compel us out of our own skins and into the skin of another, or even into contact with the Absolute. It is based in our emotional ties to one another. In its purest form, it is called love." If conscious is the ability to love and have emotional ties with others, the lack of conscious is also the lack of love and emotional attachments. Even if we may have an emotional attachment to a sociopath, it's important to note that the sociopath you care for does not reciprocate your feelings in the slightest. Why? Because they have no conscious.
3. They want power and control. Another key characteristic of sociopaths is that they are concerned with gaining power, control, and dominance. No matter how big or small the desired power may be, the control that sociopaths seek is that which makes someone else do something. For the dictator, they make others fight for them they make others follow and live their rules. For the powerful employee in the office, it's the control that allows them to do something as bad as breaking a secretary's arm for refusing them and still not getting fired simply because they threaten the company's downfall without them. For the stamp thief, it's the simple control of making others jump when they realize they've been robbed. On perhaps a more relatable level, the control and power that sociopaths seek can come in the form of the father or husband who wants his wife and daughter to be successful in everything, to make certain achievements, and to always look perfect so that he can say he has the best family. It comes from the spouse who always tells you that misunderstandings are your fault, making you feel more insecure about yourself and more easily manipulated into what they want. It's the co-worker who sleeps with you only to use that secret relationship later to threaten the end of your career if you don't do what they want.
4. Most sociopaths are not murderers. This fact was surprising to me, but it makes sense. When we think of sociopaths, most of us probably think of murderers simply because those are the sociopaths who get put in the news; those are the ones we hear of. But the reality is that most sociopaths are not murderers, according to Dr. Stout. In fact, most of them are a friend, co-workers, boss, spouse, or family member. That makes it all the scarier and all the more important to be able to recognize and separate yourself from sociopaths.

Covetous Sociopaths

One of the things I thought was most interesting in this book was when Dr. Stout talked about a certain kind of sociopath: the covetous sociopath. Throughout the book, Dr. Stout gives examples of sociopaths and talks about why they act certain ways. Not all sociopaths are the same. Some act out of a desire for power. Others act out because they feel they are superior and smarter than others, and by controlling others and telling them what to do, they show their dominance and superiority. Others, however, do what they do in a sociopathic way simply because they are jealous.

These sociopaths are called covetous sociopaths. Essentially, covetous sociopaths feel that they have been jipped in life. Whether it's in their looks, their job, their income, etc., covetous sociopaths feel like they haven't gotten what they deserve. As a result, they target people around them who they feel have what they don't. By "targeting", I mean that the covetous sociopath does and say things that will cause their envied friend or co-worker to fail in some way, to feel worse about themselves. By putting others down, the sociopath can feel justified. But unlike normal bullies, covetous sociopaths don't have a little voice in their head saying when they've gone too far. Instead, they do it all with absolutely no remorse for hurting someone emotionally, physically, or mentally. And that means that there is no limit to what they will do to those they target.

Conclusion

I hope all of this talk about conscious-less beings has not scared you, but hopefully it's made you a little more aware of sociopaths and their dangers. More importantly, I hope it's made you want to read this book yourself. Seriously, guys. After reading this book and understanding more about what a sociopath is and how common they are, I feel like everyone needs to be able to know and recognize the signs so that they can keep themselves and their loved ones away.

I unfortunately know a handful of people who have had their lives torn apart by those I believe to be a sociopath. Of course, not every tragedy involves a sociopaths, but some do. And I hope we can help each other avoid more of those tragedies. Those who have conscious experience a "strong and steadying sensation of being part of something greater than oneself." If that's you, take part in something bigger by helping to protect yourself and your fellow conscious-filled humans.