I know it's been a while since our last chat, but trust me -- I've still been reading! This last book just took me a bit longer to get through than others, but that doesn't mean it wan't just as great!
The book of today's discussion is Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
This is sort of the first self-help book I've ever read. For some reason, I was always hesitant to pick up a self-help book because that would be admitting that I need help. But, you can read self-help books just to learn more about a topic. And, let's be honest, we all need help sometimes in certain areas, and I certainly need help in the self-compassion department.
This book has really been a huge eye-opener for me. I learned so much, and I could see myself trying to apply the things I learned even as I was still reading through the book. Kristin Neff dives into the world of self-criticism that we all know too well, and also into its parallel universe of self-compassion and how we can be kinder to ourselves. She provides a lot of detailed information, but she presents it in a way that is engaging and fun to read. There are exercises for you to do on your own within each topic so that you can really start to understand and make self-compassion a part of who you are.
What is Self-Compassion?
The term self-compassion itself is pretty self-explanatory. It means to have compassion for yourself. Kristin Neff states that "having compassion for yourself is no different than having compassion for others." When we have compassion on someone else, we first see that they are suffering in some way. Then, our feelings are moved by their suffering, and we respond to those feelings by experiencing warmth, love, and perhaps a desire to help them.
Compassion on others also involves being understanding when others make mistakes. We know that no one is perfect, so when those around us mess up, having compassion can make it easier for us to forgive and move on, knowing that we can't expect them to be perfect. Finally, compassion towards others comes from realizing that all human beings have a shared experience. We all suffer, fail, make mistakes, and are imperfect -- that's just part of being a human being.
All of that comes with having compassion on others, but self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself. When you are having a difficult time, experience failure, or notice something you don't like about yourself, we can express compassion to ourselves by first recognizing that we are suffering. Next, we can let our emotions respond to that realization, leading us to find ways that we can comfort ourselves instead of ignoring the pain we feel. It means recognizing that you are a human being destined to make mistakes, and that not everything in life is going to go the way you want it to. It also means recognizing that all other humans suffer in some way, and that you are not alone in your difficulties.
Why Self-Compassion?
Take a moment to review your thoughts from the last 24 hours. What did you say to yourself? Did you put yourself down at all? Did you say anything kind to yourself?
In most cases, we are most likely to say things that put ourselves down than things that are kind. Why is that? It's speculated that we are more prone to point out our flaws, difficulties, and imperfections because we hold ourselves to impossibly high and perfect standards. We can understand when others make mistakes or struggle because that's just the way life is. But when we make a mistake, it's unacceptable.
That's not the way we should be treating ourselves. Instead, we should recognize when we are feeling discouraged or are struggling, and then comfort ourselves. We can tell ourselves, "I understand that this is a difficult situation or task for you, but it's okay. Let's take this one step at a time, and I will make it through."
Neff and her colleagues have performed a variety of studies on self-compassion. In fact, Neff is one of the leading experts on the topic, being one of the first to even officially 'discover' or 'create' such an idea in the psychology field. Throughout her studies, she has found that those who practice self-compassion are happier and have an easier time working through difficult situations.
Self-compassion doesn't mean you won't get upset, angry, disappointed, etc. But, it can help you to more quickly recognize what you are feeling, take a step back, understand and comfort yourself, and move forward with a clear, positive mind.
Experiencing Self-Compassion
After even the first chapter of Self-Compassion, I found myself trying to practice it in my own life. I found that I could more easily recognize when I was thinking negatively about myself. After recognizing them, I could sort of work out in my mind why I maybe felt that way and understand where I was coming from. For example, lately one of the main thoughts that keep coming to mind is, "You're not accomplishing anything important or of value in your life." I think the main reason for this is that I have this list of things I want to accomplish in my personal life (ie: write a book, start my own business, exercise more, etc.). But it feels like I never get any closer to accomplishing my goals.
As I started learning about self-compassion, I would recognize when I had those thoughts about myself. Instead of just saying, "Yeah, you're right. I'm not doing anything with my life right now", I could say, "I understand that you have these things you want to accomplish, and that you're frustrated that you aren't there yet. This is a really busy time in your life. You're working full time and have 2 callings in church that take time away in some evenings where you could be working on other things. You have a home and husband to care for. While you may not quite have the time you want to accomplish those specific goals you have, you are accomplishing other things that are just as important."
I've always thought that we, as human beings, generally need to be kinder to ourselves, but when you don't really have a structured way to do that, it can be easy to slip back into the habit of putting ourselves down. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself has helped me find that structure I need to know how I can be kinder to myself. And you know what -- it feels pretty great! :)
I invite you to practice self-compassion. You can learn more about it by reading Kristin Neff's book, or you can visit her website at https://self-compassion.org/. On her website, she has a self-compassion quiz to help you see where your self-compassion levels are and how you can improve.
Instead of trying to validate ourselves and find worth through the opinions of others, let's take our self-worth into our own hands. The only people who really understand and know you are yourself, your Savior, and your Heavenly Parents. Sure, others can know you, but they don't know all you feel, all you think about yourself. A lot of the time, people just see what's on the outside and what we do -- and then they make their judgments. If we place our self-worth only on the opinions that others have of us, we're going to find that life is pretty miserable and impossibly demanding. Instead, let's have compassion on ourselves. We are going to make mistakes. We are limited in our abilities. We are imperfect. But that's okay. You are still an incredible person who offers so much to this world and lives of those around you. You deserve compassion. And if the world isn't giving it to you, you can at least give it to yourself.
